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The Diagnosis
September 8, 2021 by Amy Byrd

For any parent who has gone through their child receiving a diagnosis– find comfort in knowing we’re not alone.

 

I have a friend that dreamed of having a child for years.  I can recall being hesitant to share my own experiences with her as our first was born and then, our second, then, third. I felt a bit guilty around her and prayed they would have their own child too one day. They prayed for years. Then, it happened—they got the news that she’s going to have a baby girl. They created this magical baby room that felt like the sweetest story book when you walked in. The closet was full of clothes and toys that could supply an entire nursery. The anticipation. She would dream about what her features

would be, how she would sound, where they would adventure together. The languages she may learn to speak—French, Spanish maybe Mandarin? But her dreams changed when she learned she was Down Syndrome. All of the dreams for her became silent. But God is an amazing God. She’s in Elementary School now and although the dreams for their little girl look different—she would tell you today that she’s more beautiful than she ever could have imagined, smart, kind, funny, life-giving, a helper and full of wisdom.

I recently met a new friend that has a son, Juan, who just turned 5, but received his own diagnosis at the age of 2. She wrote a poem to express her family’s experience.

“I feel like God truly inspired it and he must of wanted me to write it for a reason. If he wants someone to gain comfort from it, or change their perception of their current situation from it, or just have someone to relate. Even if people have not been through their child getting any type of diagnosis, if this can create understanding and empathy as to what it feels like—it’s worth it.”

 

The Diagnosis

 

Walking in the darkness. Thinking it was the light.

Holding that little hand. Not knowing the coming fight.

The news hit me so hard, that florescent light started to fade.

It faded with the thoughts, plans, and dreams I had in spades.

For that little boy would not have the future that I had planned

because I could do nothing about the diagnosis that doctor had in hand

 

Lost in the confusion, the denial, the anger the news had created.

I could not see past the complete breath stealing heart break

as my hopes for his future disintegrated.

You sit there thinking you said that twice.

I said it twice because once would not suffice,

to emphasize that moment and it’s affect in my life.

 

Walking in the darkness. No thoughts of the light.

No confusion over here as I was buried in my plight.

Or so I thought as I dug in my heel.

His case was mild. I would not kneel.

I would find a solution, the best therapy, a cure.

I would figure this out, I knew I would for sure.

 

Different type of denial but it had its lure

and I was hooked, because of the truths I didn’t want to endure.

Eyes glazed over from the exhaustion of the fight

as the severity of his diagnosis hit me with all of its might.

There was nothing I could do to make this go away.

I finally realized it was here to stay.

 

Walking in the darkness. Does light even exist?

It always seem to get darker right after you desist.

I would not figure this out. I would not win.

Hope was all gone. It had finally sunk in.

This was the point that life seemed to lose my understanding

as I watched where my son’s life was landing

 

Guilt rode in hard and swift

to give my heart a deep long rift.

It grabbed a hold with hands of steel

to make me feel the depths of sadness, to make me reel

to make me believe that this was my fault.

How was I to get away from guilt’s assault?

 

Walking in the darkness. I wished for a light.

then I felt a tug from something far out of sight.

so I grabbed a hold of that string and followed to it’s end

not knowing where it would lead but I wanted to begin

because I had looked in this world and it had failed

to provide me with anything that healing entailed

 

All of a sudden, unbidden by me

I started to feel change; a chance to break free.

A comfort, a calling that’s hard to explain

but it’s like the light was shouting my name

The love that I felt assured me so much

that I gave it all up to his guiding touch.

 

Out of the darkness and into the light.

when I gave up control, he gave me respite.

For the first time, in a long time, I was able to breathe

for my burden felt lighter as God told me my sword I could sheathe.

He told me to rest now that he had control

that my battle was his battle and to battle he would go

 

The comfort it gave me, brought tears to my eyes

tears brought on by incomprehensible joy that underlies

the knowledge behind the grace of that act,

that he would take on my suffering and never retract.

He sees my battle from an angle I could not choose

knowing that God is on my side and does not lose.

 

Out of the darkness, the light is shining so bright

I am starting to heal, from that long dark night.

The journey is not over. The end might never be in view

but he comforts, he guides me, as if there is something he knew.

So I trust the path that he has me walking beside him

as I grab my sons hand with that diagnosis still inside him.

 

I looked to my God with my faith filled to the brim

as I prayed for his healing, his diagnosis looked a little less grim.

One day I turned and looked at my son

and started to notice improvements that would stun.

The fact that they started when I started to pray,

still manage to take my breath away.

 

For when your son has autism for which you know there is no cure

and there is a chance that his speech, he will never procure

but then one day he taps you on the shoulder, just to say

Mommy, I want to play.

That miracle there, it brings me to my knees

as I weep with joy that God does hear our pleas

 

The light is blinding. I cannot see

the path that God expects of me.

It might be long, filled with twists, a turn,

some challenges I cannot discern.

I do now know as we walk that road

our troubles, our roadblocks he will erode.

 

For by faith, we will watch Gods miracles unfold.

Because only God can provide healing worth its weight in gold

 

Written by Lisa Tapia, House FM Listener

 

Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

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